This has seriously nothing to do with what I usually post, and you may be better off not reading it if you aren’t sure you’d want to.

I’ve had problems lately with my identity, but mostly how it interacts with the world around me. Here follows the unorganized-not-complete list.

I’m out as asexual to a couple of people, even though I’d rather describe myself as gray-A/questioning, but I’m finding it impossible to find the opportunity to tell people about this, or even just what it is.

One of the people I’m out to (I don’t know who) has apparantly told others, since a classmate of mine (whom I really don’t know well enough to discuss such matters) has at least twice casually namedropped asexuality in conversation, as if he’s trying to give me hint that he knows. Except he’s using the word wrong. If I had to guess, he was implying aGENDER rather than aSEXUAL. I’ve been too stunned and afraid of outing myself each time to comment on it.

Also, I think people would be pretty likely to think of me as trans* or queer, considering the way I dress. To me, it’s just business as usual - on the morning I put on stuff I think look good but during the day I suddenly have an attack of “I’m wearing a tight sports bra that hides my boobs and a beanie and boots and no makeup and a T-SHIRT MEANT FOR CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WITH A TRACTOR PRINTED ON IT and all the other women in the room look like models and why am I suddenly burning with shame even though I’ve dressed like this - confidently - since the sixth grade?”

I’m having a continous inner monoloug that goes something like this: Oh god, what if I’m a transvestite? - Dude, of course you are look at you. - But like, FOR REAL? - As opposed to what? - As opposed to the fact that it’s completely okay for women to dress like this today, I mean I’ve gone in a costume to fancy dress parties and nobody batted an eyelash - What are you trying to say? That you wearing a costume doesn’t constitute transvestisism? Which I don’t think it does now that I think about it… - But what does it even matter? - Why am I so bothered by it? - AND WHY AM I STILL EMBARRASSED TO GO INTO THE MEN’S SECTION IN CLOTHES STORES?

I am a ciswoman. Even though I sometimes like to think of myself as part “twelwe year old boy” - i.e. the part of me that 1) isn’t happy when I’m wearing dresses 2) isn’t happy being hit on by men 3) isn’t happy when expected to be seductive 4) isn’t happy when expected to touch other people’s private parts 5) gets on better with men than women 6) likes to think of himself as “tall”, “strong”, “aggressive”.

I compartmentalize these traits into a boy for fun - I still think of myself as a ciswoman. But I have friends who have spontaneously reffered to me as “not quite” a woman, just because I don’t act the right way. And sometimes I have wondered if they’re right.

Most of the time, I don’t reveal my gender on the internet. And when I do, I sometimes lie.

How am I supposed to make guy friends when I’m old?

One of my friends “thinks” I’m bisexual. And I have talked about asexuality with him. But his assumption may be grounded on the fact that we sometimes check out women together and I admitted to having crushes on women as well as men, albeit more fleetingly.

I actually do check out women sometimes. They’re prettier than men. But I wouldn’t call it sexual in either case.

Since I have no idea how I’m supposed to be in a sexual relationship with a man, I’m seriously considering going out with women even if I’ve always thought of myself as heteroromantic. Maybe I’m just gay and really repressed.

Why don’t I date asexual people? I mean, why haven’t I even tried?

And even though I may not be asexual, some of the reactions I’ve got when coming out still bothers me. The first person thought I was sick, as in mentally ill - he talked about how I have to relearn things before it’s too late. Another person reacted with telling me that I need to get out more. He continues to be disappointed whenever my lack of love life is brought up. Another person asked me if you grow out of it.

I want to stand up for the asexual community and help spread information, but I’m too chicken. I feel like I went to Pride to compensate for it.

I really, really liked Pride. It just felt right to see the variations represented rather than discussed on a screen. It makes it more real. I miss it.

I miss being oblivious and not understanding why people talked about me behind my back. I miss not understanding that I don’t fit in.